little bit of it i think things gonna be different

yeap it is.. if u ask me does it makes total differences?

not total but yes something changes.  some good some bad

i lost people in my life.. someone who literally give a fuck of me forreal

who actually fanning of me rather than someone else

not even a guy crush on me like she does to me. but she did. and she's my mom.

i only realized she does that when she's no longer here

i know its cliché, people will regret once they lose someone

but it happened. and somehow i know what i have today its because of her

its because of what she earned. idk where all it went .. either to people or me wasting of it spending thru unnecessary things

i feel disappointed though. disappointed towards myself. i wish i could turn back time and stop myself of over spending

some stuff deserve to be spent but some are super unnecessary. oh Allah can u help me to earn something for myself?

i realized its getting lonelier when she's not here with us. idk why idk how but something in my life are just dimmed.

not sunny as it was, not rainy as well. some said it was a nice weather. it was okay tbh. not that bad, i kind of enjoy the moment, 

i overenjoyed until i didn't know what coming ahead. i wish i could stay. i kind of comfortable, kind of not comfortable.

weird huh? ya know why? i hate being a burden to people, i hate people burdening me the same. lmao

i realized I'm changing. maybe to the badder farihah

i have no idea why but bit of me realized I've reached to my limit, limit of prioritizing what's people needs.

i keep fulfill someone else needs, a lot more than myself needs, due to feeling responsible of my existence. i always wonder why am i here.

and because of that i want to be useful to my surrounding. want to make myself functionable, feel good for be able to do something, having a role

for my existence but somehow I'm exhausted. people keep asking, i feel like i be there for people too much and it makes ppl spoiled over things.

i feel drained, it feels like never ending, why? i feel like people invalidate of me saying "no". like they be able to say no but i couldn't say no

but people wouldn't know boundaries if i didn't learn to say no. so i said no to some. i said yes to some. but damn i wish to say no all the time. lmao

i think ill find stability if i could do things that can include both world. the world prioritizing me, and the world i could communicate with my surrounding

in a healthy ways (not too attached)

i told myself i owe myself too much. its time for me to take care of me. enough with people. i forgot that i am an individual too as well. 

I'm just not really in a good shape. my soul is drained. i wish i could run from this and live my life

it irritated me if people drain me enough. i want to shut down and be back once i get my life figure out, fulfill my soul. 

I have not blogging for 10 months? My last post was in January 2018 and here I am writing another entry for the October 2018. I swear to God, 10 months feels so slow.. I mean wow I even forgot that I have my techno diary here to write my emotions outta me. LMAO

Honestly I learned a lot within these 10 months. Mostly about astrology, spiritual energy/vibes, tarot/oracle reading? I don't know if its legit. But I am aware that it is haram (forbid) for me as muslim to rely on it fully. Bad habit though.. Whenever I go over think things, I follow my intuition, pulling some energy and watch some pick a card reading. *sigh* 

Its nice though because I got those assurance that I need to pampered myself. I hate relying to people or my surrounding because they don't understand what I feel. They just see from their perspectives and give me the common sense or *bla bla bla* feedback. They couldn't vibe well.. These tarot reading people intuition are in a different level. Like they understand part of it and suggest me of what should I do or how should I overcome those situation, pretty much sounds like an indirect consultation from a counselor but nah its quite different. You don't tell much about the details, they just feel your energy and vibes and explained what happened between you, yourself, family or lover. Some doesn't resonated much but a lot of resonated well. I can relate to it somehow because I basically watch general reading. 

Okay let's just move on right to the main topic here. Its October 2018 now and its been 2 years, I warned my previous lover.. (I've stated him as Encik S but now I'll be calling him my previous lover, the Scorpion since he's Scorpio sun moon rising) that if he ain't changing his habit of not be able to show his emotion side or give me such reassurance about his feeling towards me, I might end up exhausted and might just leave without even say good bye...He somehow did apologize towards his behavior and he said he will try to change it soon. Part of him did make a progress and I am honestly glad and happy with those changes but somehow no matter how he tried to improve and change himself, we still lack of communication. Like there will always a brick between us.. He always wall up, poorly shows his emotion side, only contact me when during peak hours (usually almost late night where most of fuckboy be contacting yalls and talk dirty/booty call) and during his in his "mood". I told him that I feel unworthy to be treated with such ways but he only stop for awhile and back in action a few times later. But the worst part is when I needed him the most he wasn't for me. He good at "seen" my chat and only come around when he feels he's all free or in the "mood". 

Well that warning was 2 years ago (2016).. I endure him for a year after with such behaviors...on and off.. I bottled up my feeling..and a year later (2017) my mom condition downgrading when she was in her forth chemotherapy session, she lost a lot of her white blood cells that she was admitted into quarantine room in hospital for a week. She was so weak, she couldn't consume much food and I can see she was almost dying. God knows how break I was seeing her like that. I couldn't even figure my own feelings. Like I'm sad and numb at the same time. Basically all I need at those moment was him...this Scorpion guy to at least chat me one time to motivate me that things gonna be fine. That he's there if I needed him but he wasn't there. All he good at was ignoring me. He only replied my text a week after where my mom discharged from the hospital. Trust me that's when I know and realized the most to where I stand in his life. I asked where he been, and he all relax and pretty laid back without feeling guilt saying "well I am here out field". And I just started to slowly fade from his life and ignored his texts. Besides we never really declare being in relationship, we just confessed about our feelings towards each other. Its kind of platonic I guess? I don't know..maybe a lot more than platonic because I consider to settle down with him.

Yet I had it enough and I realized no matter how good he is, we're somehow toxic to each other. I might be toxic to him as well, because I couldn't cope with his bad side and I asked him too much to change himself and...maybe my expectation towards him, hurt me the most. I keep seeking his action, his emotion without knowing he isn't the right one for me. I believe if someone is right for you, you don't have to ask them to do it for you.They be knowing and they'll offer you a lot more than you think you deserve. Toxic side of me, I keep seeking the right things from the wrong one. Therefore I have to admit somehow I am toxic to him, toxic to myself and part of are also toxic to me. We're never meant to be together. I been there for him since 2014, on and off, blocked and unblocked, friend and unfriended. Name it. I try to wait for us align our vibes but I guess we're from different frequency.

 

So this is me, finally moving forward... because honestly.. I don't have such reason to stick around anymore. I feel I lost so much in this battlefield. I lost my self-worth, I drained too much just to keep going. These cycle is back and forth... Feels like endless toxic and acid for me. I started to shut him of since last year and I don't have guts to text any more.I changed my number to see if his effort to ask his younger sister for my new number phone but he didn't and I be knowing its time. Its not like I'm scared to started initiate conversation but I just don't feel it. I don't have such an energy to pour and do things all over again. In fact, I don't have memorable things that we used to share together. We never date or hang out for real. All the communication was based from social medias. Yes we met couple times through family gathering since our family are like so close to each other (no we're not related to each other but my dad are so close to his) but he never try to say hi to me. Basically he just sit nearby and act as if I wasn't there. Pretty much like I'm invisible. Can you imagine you've been stuck to same exact guy for years? A guy who claim to love you but sucks at showing through action that he's in love with you? 

I finally come to realization in this Venus Retrograde, that I have to clarify things and put aside what have been toxic for me for so long. Its time for me to get out from the shell and stop hiding. I clarified things publicly through Instagram stories that I am moving on...that we're over. Guess what? As usual, he unfriend me right away. Well he used to did it before so I did expect that to happen. Surprisingly he seems to be a fan of my Instagram as he didn't block me because whenever I tried to move on from him and tell him I am moving on, he blocked unblocked me right away to make sure I didn't follow his account or follow mine. For now, he changed his username and default photo but still viewing my Instagram stories. But you know what? Enough is enough. I will never gonna turn back to him. It is done. For now I'm gonna start to put myself first...

2017 was tough to be honest. I promised myself that I wont be writing my problem here so that If I read my blog in the future, I wont be opening an old scars. Yet here I am, ended up writing one. I might not going to explain all, I just want to loosen up and let slip from burdening myself. I tried to talk with my surrounding but as much as we know, everyone are living with their own hurdles and I don't want to bring such negative energy knowing they're facing hard enough for now. 2017 was tough because my mom was gravely sick. She has been diagnosed 3rd stage of breast cancer and she been grieving in denial phase for one year and a half? I keep arguing that she should seek medical attention but she didn't listen until she started to feel very much physically sick (internal & external). All good for now, as she did her surgery. It went well, we've been through chemotherapy stage as well. She about to end her radiotherapy sessions soon, so pretty much I'm happy and blessed with that. Yet you have no idea what I have been through handling people who are gravely sick physical and mental. She being acting nonsense which cause me and my dad psychologically sick. These vibes and energy that came out from her has make me insane. I started to become numb, lose interest of living my life, I started to shutdown people, disappearing, suicide.. I don't know. It was endless list of wishing me die and to know what's the purpose of me living such a life. Yeap I know this sounds pathetic.. that's why I'm asking just now "do I have the rights to be sad with the life that I live today?" 

Life wasn't as good and as hopeful I expected after I graduated from college. It was hell. I have the opportunity to work with the company that I have been dreaming since I was 15 yet I have to let it go because I don't have such freedom to decide and make a choice for myself. Because I have responsibilities to take care of my parents. Well yeah that's okay right? To devote such dream just to be there for your parents. Its part of your responsibilities as a daughter (or in other words, their only daughter). I tried to be positive with that and I'm still am. But things didn't stop there. They started to hold me in and not letting me go to spread my wings..and all the reasons are "its dangerous out  there, you couldn't survive on your own" or "if you go, who will take care of us?" 

So I stayed .. Keep saying no to most of opportunity that comes approaching me. What kills me the most is when they know that I depends on them most of everything they can downgrade me for not be able to do anything, if I couldn't achieve such expectation. They'll go saying like I'm useless, worthless, pathetic loser who are unemployed and broke. They literally downgrade me of not achieving anything just because I couldn't be there for them for certain reasons. They never consider what I felt, they never ask what I want nor they ever trust me about everything. They literally treated me like a hostage, or a 10 years old kid. How is possible for you to achieve something if they're the one who holding u back and not letting u go forward because they didn't believe in you? I tried to prove them a lot of time but they still stick to the ground with their egos saying that I can't. If I spent half of day with my friends, they would freak out and start saying that I prioritized my friends, so I always end up all alone in home doing nothing but to scroll social medias seeing how others life so interesting to the fullest and yours sucks. Hahahahaha. If I want to go dreamy, or off from reality, I'll do movie marathon or netflix whole day long. I only clean the house if they needed me to. I didn't do much because if I started to give more, they will keep asking more. So I decided to just do as much as I required too and not more than that. I don't have freedom to redesign my room, in fact I don't have my own personal room. I nomad-ing/roaming around this house and sleep everywhere. 

I kinda sad to be frank, to talk certain people about this and all they good was saying that I should be happy not sad because my parents are rich.. Yea I know, my family are financially stable (not rich peeps) than other families out there but my parents lack of affections. All they good at is feedingg me with such materials but never my psychology needs. They always make such bad assumptions on me and my friends...Think about it, I don't do drugs. No clubs. People barely know me back in high school. I'm pretty much invisible. I always feel insecure to be in the centre of attention because my parents always said that I'm not good enough. They always questions my decision, point out my flaws.. School works the same, certain people downgraded me because of my skin, my looks, my hair, my lips, my heights. Some didn't even give a fuck with my existence (meh I don't mind with that) and some make fun of me.. posted through social media and humiliated me even after I tried to talk to them about it. 

However, university life was pretty bad ass. I started lowkey rebel, traveling with friends on my own without asking my parents permission, started to learn how vibes and energy works. I eventually energize much If I'm out there, spending my time with bunch of good energy and great nature therapy. It was absolutely the best phase of my life for now. I still seek such adventures in the future though and that's what makes me keep moving that no matter how hopeless it could get, I just put my faith on God that things going to get better. 

p.s: you can call Betty Cooper from Riverdale because somehow thats how my life works or even worst because I don't have another sister, or Jughead on my own. I just have me.

To read more about how they treated me, you might want to read this articles. My parents specifically having "control" traits rather than other in the list.

http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/mommy-dearest-when-your-mother-has-a-personality-disorder/

I don't have boyfriend because I don't want to. LOL but yes I do have someone who I personally been checking out for a long time.Hahahaa. Well it doesn't matter who the guy is. I have always planning to do tons in date but I haven't meet the one who deserve to be share with. Besides, its all about vibes and energy. Its okay to share but when the vibes doesn't align.. that's what makes a big NO. Somehow that what's why I'm pretty picky to choose someone to do all of these. Whatever it is... Here are the 10 ideal dates that I planned for myself!

1. Listening to each other playlist and roaming the town together

I honestly longing for this! I really believe that your playlist indirectly represent yourself. Sharing a music is form of intimacy. I myself loves music, no matter where I go or what time is, music is always with me. Besides, I appreciate my surrounding when it blend well with the music. All together, music makes me high!

2. Road trips with good musics

Road trips with your favorite person along good musics its a must! It doesn't have to be everyday because it could be draining to me. But when you need an escape, this would the one. 

3. Stargazing

It doesn't matter where the place is .. Stargazing are greater when you're enjoy it with the one you love. 

4. Laying in the middle of flowers field, enjoying the breeze & cloudgazing

Ugh so goood! I totally want to do this, of course along with the sounds of breezy wind, rays across the flowers, birds chirping or slow chilling music. Its so beautiful and peaceful 😭

5. Home cook and home movie date !

I enjoy home cook the most. I loves food.. discovering it with the one you love is a total yes but home cook is the best. Afterwards, leisure with some good movies. Old but great movies such as Back to The Future or etc. p.s It doesn't necessarily have to be romantic movie because I prefer action movies more HAHA

 

6. Photo booth shoots! 

A day of roaming the town literally need a shot! Crazy ridiculous poses together would crack the day up. I'm a memory hoarder so, with the existence of these photos, I could recall of those sweet memories in the future.

7. Amusement park date

Pretty usual to most of people huh. Trust me I never went to amusement park before. I've been to Genting Highlands but I never play anything unusual though. Just played with the fake snow 😭 That's why this is in my ideal list as I longing to feel as child together with love one. 

8. Rooftop date

I always dream to had a dinner at rooftop restaurant/cafe or just plain rooftop with amazing and breath-taking view, good breeze. Deep conversation while enjoying the scenery would totally kill it. 

9. Fire lantern date

Totally inspired when I watched Tangled. I feel so moved. Not necessarily have to be at the boat releasing the lantern, we could do this anywhere as long as it won't disturbing the public or the wild. Fire lantern are best release in a big event, so that we can see how dream could fly up. I would totally write my wish with it. Fly high my wishes! 

10. Truck bed date

Oh this is totally a good combo with spontaneous road trip. Of course in a good weather (not stormy season) so that we can enjoy stargaze & cloudgaze.. good music. God its perfect!

End it with....

 Polaroid captures!

Actually the perfect date is subjective because to be honest, its a bless to have someone to share with even if its the slightest things like watching your favorite show together, having bath together or deep talk before sleep.. As long as it count as sharing between two people through thick and thin, and there's where perfection can be count. 

That was posted a few years ago. As I scroll back, pheww time does flies fast huh. I did changed. Which actually I never thought I would but I did. I lost some of my 19 weird sides, and I gained new one hahahah. Let's take a look back with my 19 weird things about me!

1. I'm boyish

Well to be honest, there'll always boyish side of myself. Not like totally boyish because I supposed I got much feminine nowadays. Still, I said no no to skirt! 😜

2. I don't like to wear handbag.

Nowadays, this changed. I do wear handbag but not like everyday. If I got a lot of stuffs (which occur than just car keys, purse and handphone) to bring along, I might use my handbag. But if I want to bring stuffs like camera, laptop and etc, yeap I totally going to bring backpack as well. 🤣

3. I used guys wallet rather than girls purse.

Holy this one is absolutely vice versa now. I like to keep it simple but as the same time I like to keep my money straight (unfolded) LOL. If you know what I meant. So yes I use women purse nowadays. Dark blue with sparkle here and there LMAO 🤣

4. I'm into t-shirt more than other girls' clothes.

Well... This still stays in me! Back then I was into t-shirt, shirt and shirt. Nowadays, I'm still sticking with shirt but long sleeves, jumper, hoodies, sweater. Not with the striking colors though. I keep it "mysterious colors" with black, grey, emerald green, dark blue, & maroon.

5. Can go anywhere with my no makeup (exceptional) and no handbag?

LOL I'm being repetitive here 🤣

But this changed though. I wear makeup now! Hahahaha. If back then, I only wear eyeliner, now.. I most likely wear day cream, blusher, eyebrows, eyeshadows (nude colors), lipstick, & highlight (depending on my mood though). Yet, I keep simple and natural with my makeup.

6. I'm lazy taking care of my skin. 

I changed for real with this one. I'm still lazy but I do take care of my skin now. Back then, I barely use any products to improve my skin but now yes I do. And I totally suggest you to do so. I'm mostly using Face Shop products (korean brand). I'm satisfied with it. Its not like its so flawless but it does improve my skin (p.s no I'm not going to post my photos to do comparison as I'm shy to do so LOL)

7. I don't use any products for my skin.

Dumb me. Number 7 was never exist because it was the description for number 6. Hmm.

8. My dream high school was La Salle' (one of the male school in my hometown)

Well yes it was. If I was born as a male, I would go to La Salle' for sure.

9. I love hanging out with guys rather than the girls. But I have both best guyfriends and best girlfriends.

Hmm. I think this is no longer weird as everyone does this but yes I sometimes rather hanging out with the guys than girls. Yet I spent more time with the girls now than guys as I try to find balance for both. Besides, my best girlfriends are like guys as well LMAO. So yea it was fun and hanging out with the right girlfriends wasn't that bad. I learn a lot from both girls and guys and I really appreciate that. ⌣

10. I don't wear makeup except liptint and eyeliner.

LOL OLD ME, WHY DID YOU KEEP BRAGGING THAT YOU NO WEAR MAKEUP??

I even annoyed to myself LOL. Okay I've already explain this. So let's skip this. 

11 was never exist. So here it is 12. Love sneakers, not really into heels.

Oh yes I still do love sneakers and no no I barely wear heels but in a few formal occasions or any special events that need my feminine side, yeah I'll go with heels. God knows how I can't say no to Vans and Converse. Ugh soo good! 

13. I mad like a drunk guy and punch stuff. 

Well as it for this, I think I was trying to explain that I'm a bad temper person. Well I am to be honest. Yet I learned a lot day by day to control my temper and I did. Now, things change and when I get mad, I isolate myself, listening to songs. If I'm in situation that stuck cope with noises, I shall put on my headphones and being in my own world. Its better for me to do so than letting myself talk bad direct towards the people (which they might end up holding grudge on me). I still do punch stuff but I barely now. Self control its a must. So yeay me? Hahaha.

14. I love dubs dubs. Gave me eargasm.

Hahahaha what kind of fact was that? Okay I'm sure back then I was trying to say I love EDM more than other genres. Yes I still do. Most of my playlist are EDM but I gained new favorite types of musics. I love indies, alternatives, jazz, lo-fi, dream pop & so on. Pretty chilling. Listen to any of them depending on my mood. 

15. I'm boyish but I'm straight

LOL ME OBVIOUSLY IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE BOYISH YOU ARE BISEX OR LESBO HOLY ME HAHAHA

16. I think beatbox and street dance is cool.

UHMM YEAHH WHO DOESN'T?? OMG

17. I love wear jacket, varsity, sweaters.

Uhm I did answer and explain this before. But I barely wear varsity now. End of discussion for 17 LOL

18. Love wearing cap or hats

Pretty much yes if I didn't wear hijab going out, my cap could be a replacement for my hijab #StillBADASS but I think I want to try beanie.

19. I love hookah. Mint with strawberry flavor.

Hmmm.. I barely do hookah nowadays. But I'm down for it. Still, I'm not addicted to it anymore. It's a very long time for me not to do hookah though. I might cough if you bring me along now HAHA  

So yeahh thats it. I'm half half changed? Hahahahaha. 

Its been up and down for me lately. I couldn't recall how it was started but yes I'd reached to the level where I'm so depressed, feeling numb, unwanted, useless, unworthy. So I prayed, I cried.. and its warming. I love God. I really believes in Him. I still have hope in me. Idk how much but I really do look forward of whats infront. I know these bad days won't linger much long.. I always came across tons of inspiring tweets and this is one of it...

And it does help me a lot. You know.. I barely feels strong ever since.. So I eager to find something that could at least make me feels because feelings make us aware that we're still alive, that we're human beings. I know we supposed start to feel strong within ourselves but I hope I'll meet someone who worth my good and bad and he proves to me that world wasn't that bad or life wasn't all about bitterness. I really seek adventure, nature, off from the packed negative vibes... For once, I don't want to feel alone. For at least I want to be with somebody who really give a fuck about me, understand, sincere, loyal and never get tired of me.