October 2018 and its Venus Retrograde. I am fucked!
I have not blogging for 10 months? My last post was in January 2018 and here I am writing another entry for the October 2018. I swear to God, 10 months feels so slow.. I mean wow I even forgot that I have my techno diary here to write my emotions outta me. LMAO
Honestly I learned a lot within these 10 months. Mostly about astrology, spiritual energy/vibes, tarot/oracle reading? I don't know if its legit. But I am aware that it is haram (forbid) for me as muslim to rely on it fully. Bad habit though.. Whenever I go over think things, I follow my intuition, pulling some energy and watch some pick a card reading. *sigh*
Its nice though because I got those assurance that I need to pampered myself. I hate relying to people or my surrounding because they don't understand what I feel. They just see from their perspectives and give me the common sense or *bla bla bla* feedback. They couldn't vibe well.. These tarot reading people intuition are in a different level. Like they understand part of it and suggest me of what should I do or how should I overcome those situation, pretty much sounds like an indirect consultation from a counselor but nah its quite different. You don't tell much about the details, they just feel your energy and vibes and explained what happened between you, yourself, family or lover. Some doesn't resonated much but a lot of resonated well. I can relate to it somehow because I basically watch general reading.
Okay let's just move on right to the main topic here. Its October 2018 now and its been 2 years, I warned my previous lover.. (I've stated him as Encik S but now I'll be calling him my previous lover, the Scorpion since he's Scorpio sun moon rising) that if he ain't changing his habit of not be able to show his emotion side or give me such reassurance about his feeling towards me, I might end up exhausted and might just leave without even say good bye...He somehow did apologize towards his behavior and he said he will try to change it soon. Part of him did make a progress and I am honestly glad and happy with those changes but somehow no matter how he tried to improve and change himself, we still lack of communication. Like there will always a brick between us.. He always wall up, poorly shows his emotion side, only contact me when during peak hours (usually almost late night where most of fuckboy be contacting yalls and talk dirty/booty call) and during his in his "mood". I told him that I feel unworthy to be treated with such ways but he only stop for awhile and back in action a few times later. But the worst part is when I needed him the most he wasn't for me. He good at "seen" my chat and only come around when he feels he's all free or in the "mood".
Well that warning was 2 years ago (2016).. I endure him for a year after with such behaviors...on and off.. I bottled up my feeling..and a year later (2017) my mom condition downgrading when she was in her forth chemotherapy session, she lost a lot of her white blood cells that she was admitted into quarantine room in hospital for a week. She was so weak, she couldn't consume much food and I can see she was almost dying. God knows how break I was seeing her like that. I couldn't even figure my own feelings. Like I'm sad and numb at the same time. Basically all I need at those moment was him...this Scorpion guy to at least chat me one time to motivate me that things gonna be fine. That he's there if I needed him but he wasn't there. All he good at was ignoring me. He only replied my text a week after where my mom discharged from the hospital. Trust me that's when I know and realized the most to where I stand in his life. I asked where he been, and he all relax and pretty laid back without feeling guilt saying "well I am here out field". And I just started to slowly fade from his life and ignored his texts. Besides we never really declare being in relationship, we just confessed about our feelings towards each other. Its kind of platonic I guess? I don't know..maybe a lot more than platonic because I consider to settle down with him.
Yet I had it enough and I realized no matter how good he is, we're somehow toxic to each other. I might be toxic to him as well, because I couldn't cope with his bad side and I asked him too much to change himself and...maybe my expectation towards him, hurt me the most. I keep seeking his action, his emotion without knowing he isn't the right one for me. I believe if someone is right for you, you don't have to ask them to do it for you.They be knowing and they'll offer you a lot more than you think you deserve. Toxic side of me, I keep seeking the right things from the wrong one. Therefore I have to admit somehow I am toxic to him, toxic to myself and part of are also toxic to me. We're never meant to be together. I been there for him since 2014, on and off, blocked and unblocked, friend and unfriended. Name it. I try to wait for us align our vibes but I guess we're from different frequency.
I finally come to realization in this Venus Retrograde, that I have to clarify things and put aside what have been toxic for me for so long. Its time for me to get out from the shell and stop hiding. I clarified things publicly through Instagram stories that I am moving on...that we're over. Guess what? As usual, he unfriend me right away. Well he used to did it before so I did expect that to happen. Surprisingly he seems to be a fan of my Instagram as he didn't block me because whenever I tried to move on from him and tell him I am moving on, he blocked unblocked me right away to make sure I didn't follow his account or follow mine. For now, he changed his username and default photo but still viewing my Instagram stories. But you know what? Enough is enough. I will never gonna turn back to him. It is done. For now I'm gonna start to put myself first...
Well that warning was 2 years ago (2016).. I endure him for a year after with such behaviors...on and off.. I bottled up my feeling..and a year later (2017) my mom condition downgrading when she was in her forth chemotherapy session, she lost a lot of her white blood cells that she was admitted into quarantine room in hospital for a week. She was so weak, she couldn't consume much food and I can see she was almost dying. God knows how break I was seeing her like that. I couldn't even figure my own feelings. Like I'm sad and numb at the same time. Basically all I need at those moment was him...this Scorpion guy to at least chat me one time to motivate me that things gonna be fine. That he's there if I needed him but he wasn't there. All he good at was ignoring me. He only replied my text a week after where my mom discharged from the hospital. Trust me that's when I know and realized the most to where I stand in his life. I asked where he been, and he all relax and pretty laid back without feeling guilt saying "well I am here out field". And I just started to slowly fade from his life and ignored his texts. Besides we never really declare being in relationship, we just confessed about our feelings towards each other. Its kind of platonic I guess? I don't know..maybe a lot more than platonic because I consider to settle down with him.
Yet I had it enough and I realized no matter how good he is, we're somehow toxic to each other. I might be toxic to him as well, because I couldn't cope with his bad side and I asked him too much to change himself and...maybe my expectation towards him, hurt me the most. I keep seeking his action, his emotion without knowing he isn't the right one for me. I believe if someone is right for you, you don't have to ask them to do it for you.They be knowing and they'll offer you a lot more than you think you deserve. Toxic side of me, I keep seeking the right things from the wrong one. Therefore I have to admit somehow I am toxic to him, toxic to myself and part of are also toxic to me. We're never meant to be together. I been there for him since 2014, on and off, blocked and unblocked, friend and unfriended. Name it. I try to wait for us align our vibes but I guess we're from different frequency.
So this is me, finally moving forward... because honestly.. I don't have such reason to stick around anymore. I feel I lost so much in this battlefield. I lost my self-worth, I drained too much just to keep going. These cycle is back and forth... Feels like endless toxic and acid for me. I started to shut him of since last year and I don't have guts to text any more.I changed my number to see if his effort to ask his younger sister for my new number phone but he didn't and I be knowing its time. Its not like I'm scared to started initiate conversation but I just don't feel it. I don't have such an energy to pour and do things all over again. In fact, I don't have memorable things that we used to share together. We never date or hang out for real. All the communication was based from social medias. Yes we met couple times through family gathering since our family are like so close to each other (no we're not related to each other but my dad are so close to his) but he never try to say hi to me. Basically he just sit nearby and act as if I wasn't there. Pretty much like I'm invisible. Can you imagine you've been stuck to same exact guy for years? A guy who claim to love you but sucks at showing through action that he's in love with you?
I love myself. Thats All! . underline bold italic
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