Memories Stays

do I have the rights to be sad with the life that I live today?

2017 was tough to be honest. I promised myself that I wont be writing my problem here so that If I read my blog in the future, I wont be opening an old scars. Yet here I am, ended up writing one. I might not going to explain all, I just want to loosen up and let slip from burdening myself. I tried to talk with my surrounding but as much as we know, everyone are living with their own hurdles and I don't want to bring such negative energy knowing they're facing hard enough for now. 2017 was tough because my mom was gravely sick. She has been diagnosed 3rd stage of breast cancer and she been grieving in denial phase for one year and a half? I keep arguing that she should seek medical attention but she didn't listen until she started to feel very much physically sick (internal & external). All good for now, as she did her surgery. It went well, we've been through chemotherapy stage as well. She about to end her radiotherapy sessions soon, so pretty much I'm happy and blessed with that. Yet you have no idea what I have been through handling people who are gravely sick physical and mental. She being acting nonsense which cause me and my dad psychologically sick. These vibes and energy that came out from her has make me insane. I started to become numb, lose interest of living my life, I started to shutdown people, disappearing, suicide.. I don't know. It was endless list of wishing me die and to know what's the purpose of me living such a life. Yeap I know this sounds pathetic.. that's why I'm asking just now "do I have the rights to be sad with the life that I live today?"

Life wasn't as good and as hopeful I expected after I graduated from college. It was hell. I have the opportunity to work with the company that I have been dreaming since I was 15 yet I have to let it go because I don't have such freedom to decide and make a choice for myself. Because I have responsibilities to take care of my parents. Well yeah that's okay right? To devote such dream just to be there for your parents. Its part of your responsibilities as a daughter (or in other words, their only daughter). I tried to be positive with that and I'm still am. But things didn't stop there. They started to hold me in and not letting me go to spread my wings..and all the reasons are "its dangerous out there, you couldn't survive on your own" or "if you go, who will take care of us?"

So I stayed .. Keep saying no to most of opportunity that comes approaching me. What kills me the most is when they know that I depends on them most of everything they can downgrade me for not be able to do anything, if I couldn't achieve such expectation. They'll go saying like I'm useless, worthless, pathetic loser who are unemployed and broke. They literally downgrade me of not achieving anything just because I couldn't be there for them for certain reasons. They never consider what I felt, they never ask what I want nor they ever trust me about everything. They literally treated me like a hostage, or a 10 years old kid. How is possible for you to achieve something if they're the one who holding u back and not letting u go forward because they didn't believe in you? I tried to prove them a lot of time but they still stick to the ground with their egos saying that I can't. If I spent half of day with my friends, they would freak out and start saying that I prioritized my friends, so I always end up all alone in home doing nothing but to scroll social medias seeing how others life so interesting to the fullest and yours sucks. Hahahahaha. If I want to go dreamy, or off from reality, I'll do movie marathon or netflix whole day long. I only clean the house if they needed me to. I didn't do much because if I started to give more, they will keep asking more. So I decided to just do as much as I required too and not more than that. I don't have freedom to redesign my room, in fact I don't have my own personal room. I nomad-ing/roaming around this house and sleep everywhere.

I kinda sad to be frank, to talk certain people about this and all they good was saying that I should be happy not sad because my parents are rich.. Yea I know, my family are financially stable (not rich peeps) than other families out there but my parents lack of affections. All they good at is feedingg me with such materials but never my psychology needs. They always make such bad assumptions on me and my friends...Think about it, I don't do drugs. No clubs. People barely know me back in high school. I'm pretty much invisible. I always feel insecure to be in the centre of attention because my parents always said that I'm not good enough. They always questions my decision, point out my flaws.. School works the same, certain people downgraded me because of my skin, my looks, my hair, my lips, my heights. Some didn't even give a fuck with my existence (meh I don't mind with that) and some make fun of me.. posted through social media and humiliated me even after I tried to talk to them about it.

However, university life was pretty bad ass. I started lowkey rebel, traveling with friends on my own without asking my parents permission, started to learn how vibes and energy works. I eventually energize much If I'm out there, spending my time with bunch of good energy and great nature therapy. It was absolutely the best phase of my life for now. I still seek such adventures in the future though and that's what makes me keep moving that no matter how hopeless it could get, I just put my faith on God that things going to get better.

p.s: you can call Betty Cooper from Riverdale because somehow thats how my life works or even worst because I don't have another sister, or Jughead on my own. I just have me.

To read more about how they treated me, you might want to read this articles. My parents specifically having "control" traits rather than other in the list.

http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/mommy-dearest-when-your-mother-has-a-personality-disorder/

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